DIARY #9

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How could I see
When you were the only one for me
Every night
I go into my bed so lonely


We are desperately seeking connection. If we’re not happy, I want people to connect through their pain, not their fake smiles. If we can admit that we are all hurting, then we can collectively learn to overcome our sadness and our fears as a family.

We must have the courage to let go of the superficial drama, even just momentarily, so that we have the open ears and eyes to truly discover ourselves.


If I ask you why you’re unhappy, you might say: “I hate school. My girlfriend cheated on me. I lost my job. I have cancer. I’m depressed because nothing is going my way.” Understandable. These are all difficult obstacles. We’re conditioned to feel upset. It’s a signal that we aren’t getting what we want. But what do you want? According to your answer, you want to enjoy school, you want a loyal girlfriend, you want a steady job and you want to be healthy. But why? So you can be happy! Don’t you see what’s happening here? You’ve created conditions for your happiness, conditions that are out of your control. We can make efforts to maintain relationships, keep jobs and stay healthy, but it’s never a guarantee, in fact, you will inevitably get sick. There are only two things you can control: your expectations and your attitude.


Take all the quarters from my drawer. Hang my pride up on your door. I’ve grown tired of being ignored. I’m not painting any fence for someone else. I’m not climbing to get stuck up on your shelf.


I’m my worst enemy it Is not my life, but inside of me. Always on a roller coaster, not much consistency. I’m nothing if I’m not up or down. I’m nothing if just ‘me.’ Sometimes I have very little energy. Wanting to stay in bed. Wishing to be enthusiastic, Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead. Wanting to be excited. Wanting to care for more, but when nothing makes sense. It’s hard to focus on the poor. Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking. It’s hard to keep in touch with what is happening around me and not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me and that I can’t do anything right. This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life. It didn’t just start last night. Living seems like a roll of the dice sometimes.


I can calculate the motions of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people


Are we wrong? Are we right? We jump first and then decide. It’s hard to explain it, heavy hearts weigh us down. When the waters getting deep, do we swim or do we sink?

Cause there’s still a long, long way to go. We’re in over our heads. We’re holding our breath. Will we ever get to the other side before theres nothing left? Yeah, our bodies are weak. We’re tired and we’re hurting. Will we ever get to the other side? Dont know but I swear I’ll die trying…


I feel like I’m sinking,
Or is the ground rising?
Higher and higher,
I fall deeper below.

I feel like I’m losing,
Or is everyone winning?

Feelings are thoughts that come alive.
And thoughts are feelings we try to deny,
But in the end it’s just a lie.
No where left for us to hide.

Maybe it is not my race


“The culture industry perpetually cheats its consumers of what it perpetually promises. The promissory note which, with its plots and staging, it draws on pleasure is endlessly prolonged; the promise, which is actually all the spectacle consists of, is illusory: all it actually confirms is that the real point will never be reached, that the diner must be satisfied with the menu.”


Ask around about her. She don’t get emotional. Kill off all her feeling s. That’s why she ain’t approachable. She knows her pussy got a fanbase. A couple niggas with a suit case. Suit and tie niggas who play role play. When it comes to money she play no games..


 

Iklan

THE CHILDREN OF TIME

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January has issues with her mother, February is always talking about things he wants to do while March does them, April eats sweets and May pays for them, June is the oldest but not the wisest and July always has an opinion on everything. August never stops trying do the right thing, even if he doesn’t always know what that is. September once saw something so sad, she never stopped crying. October holds the lift for anyone, vice-presidents and street-sweepers alike (for his memory, not for theirs) and November makes fun of him for this. December is tired but always hopeful. He has never once stopped believing.

Monday’s obviously a bastard, quite literally as Dad can’t remember what or who he was doing. Tuesday’s temperamental but ok as long as you stay on her good side. Wednesday doesn’t say much and Thursday sometimes hums just to break the silence. They’re in love. Friday’s always wasted and she and Saturday hold each other tightly until their delirium fades.

But Sunday, Sunday knows she’s the end. But she closes her eyes, and she pretends with all the strength in her tiny heart that really, she’s the dawn.

DIARY #8

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Tell me the story about how the sun loved the moon so much he died every night to let her breathe.


Not all who wander are lost.


What can I do when the night comes and I break into stars?


“What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: ‘This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more’ … Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: ‘You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.’”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, 1844–1900, The Gay Science


When did I reach the point where I realised that my feelings dont matter as others? That I would rather avoid conflict than express my thoughts and opinions? Is it even worth it in the end? Everyone is fine and I end up drowning in my own emotions alone.


Tired of thinking bout what could’ve been. more careful with my words,, i know i should’ve been. does he ever think about just what we could’ve been? is it weird where they see the worst i see the good in him? but i got multiple opinions like commentary… i’m not waiting for something that’s only momentary. all these thoughts in my mind and it’s just OVERBEARING.


Putting a gun in your mouth. But you put it there, you taste it, it’s cold and greasy, your finger is on the trigger, and you find that a whole world lies between this moment and the moment you’ve been planning, when you’ll pull the trigger. What’s that moment like? There are so many things that I want so badly to tell

but I just can’t.


Life is like a cotton don’t make it heavier by dipping it in the water of sorrow but make it lighter by blowing it in the joy of air.


I really have sunk Into horrid manners and a bad state of mind. I knew bitterness but this is a level beyond my reach of understanding.

I always have just a little more to give even when I’m already on empty. But when is the empty, mark is visible.


I hate everything about myself. I’ve done nothing but self-destruct into an awful human being. Everyone should stay away from me. All they do is just tolerate me because they feel sorry for me. I shouldn’t have friends. I shouldn’t have a girlfriend. I shouldn’t have anything.


The wolf on the top of the hill is never as hungry as the wolf climbing the hill.


The most defining moments you’ll have is when you’re alone. When you don’t think you can bare much more. When you’re crying in the corner or on the bathroom floor. Those moments will define you because that’s when it’s you vs life.


Don’t judge my scars until you’ve walked through the same fires that have left me burned


We are all broken….
That’s how the light gets in

-Hemingway


If I Dont let you control me then I Dont exist to you?

What kind of love is that?


We’re all puppets, I’m just the puppet that see the strings.

“Rest”

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If life was fair to everyone
What a wonderful world it’d be
You could lay down on the grass
And watch the growing trees

Sadly enough, life is tough
Sometimes people say
“I’ve had enough!”
And kill themselves
Without a single bluff

If you are depressed
Please don’t get stressed
Nor go to your dark thoughts
And put yourself to rest
Just hug someone, someone
That to you is the best
But always remember

Never turn to rest

LOVE MEANT FOR YOU

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Love was never clinical.
Love was never scientific.
It was never logical.

It is but pure emotion –
The heartwrenching, body-shaking kind.
The ‘i am so in love with you that a moments part would be death’ kind.
The kind that without swallowing you whole means nothing at all.

But to you,
It’s tame and sterile.
It’s padded rooms for the heart,
Because that is most efficient.
It’s nothingness.

Nothingness to my everything.
A whole to the blank slot.
A cup empty to one overflowing.
Peace to chaos.