Floating inside my mind. The sea of thoughts, suffocating. With infinite stream of consciousness, taking me to places I’ve never been. Dark, cold, and quite.

Maybe your journey is not about finding love, maybe it’s about loving yourself. Maybe it’s about rebuilding yourself or maybe it’s about walking away.

Maybe I’m also waiting for you to reach out because I need a sign from you, I need something that tells me that it’s safe to enter your territory again, that even if I make a wrong move, I won’t get burnt. I need to know that you’re waiting for me because I can’t be anunwanted visitor again.

If you’ve been living in depression and darkness because of a personal tragedy, you have to believe that there is a way out, that there is more to life than despair, that hope still exists and you have to dig deeper to find it. I dig deeper into rabbit’s hole and nothing to found.

You added meaning to anything meaningless because that’s the whole point, right? Silly things make sense when you share them with the right person.

They’re deep and they only crave deep relationships. They don’t do casual flings or friends with benefits and the modern dating scene is not for them because when they like someone, they want to get to know them on a deeper level and they want to be able to talk to them about the profound issues in their lives and in the world.

We desire to be loved but we’re not willing to give that kind of love to anyone. We do everything to alienate the ones we love because we’ve been told that showing love is weakness, that vulnerability is uncool and that rejection means that there’s something wrong with us.

Don’t worry when I yell at you or when I blame you. Don’t worry when I throw tantrums and send you long essays explaining why I’m mad. Don’t worry when I knock on your door in the middle of the night because I’m hurt.

My silence is more dangerous than my words, my silence can destroy much more than my words ever will.

My silence means you’re no longer the one who’s occupying my thoughts and you’re no longer worth the noise.

You should worry when my messages become one word answers, worry when I no longer fight with you about what you say, worry when I stop knocking on your door, worry when I stop talking and when I stop reacting.

Because this means you’re no longer worth the fight, you’re no longer worth the anger and your flames that used to burn my passion have now turned cold.

You see, I love words, I live for words, I can keep writing words forever because I can feel them, because they come from my heart, because they represent my depth and because they’re honest. But I hate silence. I’m not comfortable with the words left unsaid, with feelings left unattended and being neglected.

Begin to understand that at the end of the day you’re the only one who can help yourself, so you start being proactive in solving your own problems.

Alone with your fears which consequently makes you fearless.

I want someone who understands rejection, someone who has been haunted by loneliness and someone who has been broken before but still knows how to love.

Because when you pain, you know love.

I don’t want someone who doesn’t know pain. I don’t want someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to suffer, what it’s like to hurt, what it’s like to feel like you’re the only one dying when everyone else is living.

I was broken, I can’t depend on you to fix me. I need to learn how to fix myself.

I’m the home you live in, the home you come back to when you’re tired because it comforts you, the home you need when you want to feel safe, the home you run to when you need to be understood and the home you go back to when you need to feel loved.

But only few who can offer their arms to me

You wanted a short vacation but you rented the wrong place. This is why you never had fun and I never let you in.

The reason why a lot of people prefer causal dating is that they don’t have to feel and when you don’t have to feel, you don’t have to hurt.

I think whether you’re ready or not, you still need love, you still crave someone to talk to when you’re all alone at night, you still wish you could find that person who could understand you when you can’t even understand yourself, you still want your wounds to be kissed by someone who can heal them and you still want someone to calm you down and shelter you from the noise of the world and the noise of your own thoughts.

Don’t believe someone when they tell you they’re not ready, they are but they just haven’t met the right person yet.

No one can decide if they’re ready or not because love is not something you can control and sometimes it just happens and you can’t explain why out of all the people in the world, your heart decided to beat for this specific person.

But once they do, they jump in with both feet, they take the risk, they fall in love and they don’t mind the scars and the bruises that come with this jump because it’s worth it.

Give me the things that will last whether we’re rich or poor. Give me the things that will matter no matter where we are.

Give me unforgettable conversations instead of dinners, shower me with your secrets instead of your gifts, pick me up when I’m feeling down instead of picking me up in a car, be my star instead of buying me stuffs and give me something the world can’t take back, give me something the world can’t break and give me something that will never lose its worth.

Rejection teaches us that life won’t always go our way but we will still survive, it teaches us that no matter how hard we want something, it still might not be ours and it teaches us that it can sometimes save us from something we were not prepared to handle.

Why do we have to feel guilty for getting rejected? Isn’t rejection another word for trying?

Rejection is another word for redirection.

It’s the lonely days and nights we have to endure waiting for the ones we love to love us back. It only hurts when we give that love to the wrong person, when we convince ourselves that we can make someone reciprocate our feelings

Texting and keep texting until the words loosing their meanings..

I’m sorry but life does not get better, it only gets harder and you must make the circumstances better. Living is not for the weak so stay strong and push through your burdens.

“And when you are in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-Slumping yourself is not easily done.” -Dr. Seuss

We got different case here. Iam the one who dumped her, for another worthless chick. But the way how she made self coping method to ease the pain, really made me feel bad… Then I realize she is unique one. What is lost is lost. She irreplaceable. I play the game till I’m lose.

Her demons got to be too much so she sought solace in a tree. The hanging tree.

So if im stronger than you in my frame. So you would be sadder than me.

Open up, open up.. And stab me from within.

I can’t share the best of mine.. Sorry. I only select few of them to enjoy my inner most.

If you were quicksand I don’t mind if you sucked me in, lost till the bottom of rabbit’s hole. I dont mind if we were lost together. Me and you vs loneliness..

“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It is not the length of life, but the depth.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I read somewhere… how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong… but to feel strong.”
Christopher McCandless

“If you want something in this life, reach out and grab it.”
Christopher McCandless

“No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild.”
Christopher McCandless

“It’s not always necessary to be strong, but to feel strong.”
Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”
Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

“It is true that I miss intelligent companionship, but there are so few with whom I can share the things that mean so much to me that I have learned to contain myself. It is enough that I am surrounded with beauty…”
Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild





real loss.jpg

Film ini menceritakan seorang anak remaja bernama Will Hunting. Will Hunting adalah seorang remaja yang memiliki kecerdasan diatas rata-rata (jenius). Ia mempelajarai segala hal secara otodidak dan sangat senang sekali membaca buku apapun. Ia beranggapan bahwa tidak harus sekolah formal untuk mendapatkan sebuah ilmu. Baginya hanya cukup mendatangi perpustakaan di pusat kota saja ia bisa mendapatkan ilmu baru. Kecerdasannya dapat dibuktikan ketika ia mengerjakan soal matematika yang tertera di dinding lorong tempatnya bekerja. Dimana soal tersebut ditujukan bagi mahasiswa didiknya untuk memenangkan penghargaan kala itu. Satupun mahasiswanya tidak ada yang mampu mengerjakan kecuali Will. Namun Will tidak ingin diketahui bahwa dirinya yang menyelesaikan persoalan tersebut.

Keadaan Will ini mengingatkan saya bahwa seberapapun pintar, kaya, atau berkuasanya seseorang, bila tidak memiliki tujuan dan memahami eksistensi kehidupannya, maka semua itu akan sia-sia. Kecerdasan, limpahan materi, atau daya kuasa yang besar tanpa tahu apa yang akan dicapai hanya membuat diri terombang-ambing, mudah dipengaruhi orang lain.

Salah satu bagian yang paling saya suka adalah ketika Sean mengatakan jangan pernah mencintai seseorang karena kesempurnaannya, sebab kita hanya akan kecewa bila ternyata kita tidak menemukan kesempurnaan yang kita harapkan pada orang yang kita cintai. Cintailah seseorang karena rasa saling melengkapi di antara ketidaksempurnaan yang dimiliki. Itulah yang membuat seseorang berarti bagi orang lain. Sean pun juga belajar dari Will bahwa apapun yang terjadi dalam hidup ini, perjuangan harus diteruskan dan tidak boleh putus asa.

Scene tersebut adalah pada saat sesi konsultasi antara Sean dan Will, di mana Sean mengucapkan kalimat “It’s not your fault“. Adegan tersebut merupakan momen kunci di mana dinding yang selama ini memisahkan kehidupan Will dari kebahagiaan, dinding yang membekukan hati Will, dinding yang menjadi tempat berlindung Will ketika ia lari dari kehidupan, dan kini dengan satu kalimat “it’s not your fault“, dinding itu runtuh, membebaskan Will dari sisi gelap hidupnya. 

Jika gw bertanya you tentang seni, mungkin elu akan memberitahu gw tentang michelangelo, elu mungkin tahu ia banyak, tentang pekerjaanya, political viewsnya (tidak tertarik dengan politik), sexual orientationsya (homo), atau semua pekerjaanya.  Tapi gw bertaruh elu belum pernah dan ga bisa memberitahu wangi di dalam sistine chapel, karena elu ga pernah berada disana dan menatap ke atapnya.

Jika gw bertanya elu tentang wanita, mungkin elu akan memberikan gw makalah tentang personal favorites elu, elu mungkin pernah get laid a few times but  you cant tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road. He pushes people away before they get a chance to leave him. It’s a defense mechanism. And for 20 years he’s been alone because of that. And if you push him right now, it’s gonna be the same thing all over again and I’m not gonna let that happen to him.

Dan jika gw bertanya tentang perang, mungkin elu akan melemparkan sajak great dictator speech by charlie chaplin, tapi elu ga pernah dekat dengan itu, bahkan elu ga pernah memegang dan memperhatikan kepala teman mu di pangkuanmu, menatap tarikan dan hembusan nafasnya yang berharap mendapat pertolongan ya tidak akan pernah tiba.


Many excited to go to Iraq,
That feeling changed to terror and shock.
The first tragedy may be the truth,
Witnessing terror, and loss of their youth.

They expected plenty of danger,
Here in Baghdad, it’s not a stranger.
So much at stake, pressures immense,
Protecting each other, mutual defense.

Often times, combat is so close,
Deep inside, violence oppose.
They witness bloodshed that is extreme,
So many things are not what they seem.

These people are poor, and severely oppressed,
Suicide bombers, like civilians are dressed.
Those damned, improvised explosive devices,
Killed so many, they’re paying the prices.

They can’t wait, till war reaches the end,
Letters of love and courage they send.
Real soon, they all hope to return home,
Their personal stories, will have their own poem.

Dan jika gw bertanya tentang cinta, elu mungkin akan kasih gw sonnet/puisi, tapi elu ga pernah melihat seorang wanita dan ketika elu melihat dia, elu merasakan rapuh, atau pernah mengenal seseorang yang dimana sepertinya dia dapat mengimbangi elu dari matanya, serasa merasakan tuhan menempatkan bidadari di dunia hanya untuk elu yang mana dapat menyelamatkan elu dari kedalaman neraka, dan elu ga pernah tahu rasanya untuk menjadi malaikatnya, untuk memiliki dan mencintainya, untuk menjadi berada disana, melalui apapun, kanker.

Dan elu tidak pernah mengalami tidur dan duduk di rumah sakit untuk 2 bulan, memegang tanganya karena dokter tahu dan dapat melihat matamu bahwa visiting hours do not apply to you. Elu ga tahu real loss, karena itu hanya ada apabila elu telah mencintai seseorang melebihi elu mencintai diri elu sendiri dan gw ragu bahwa elu pernah berani mencintai seseorang seperti itu.

And lihat elu, gw ga pernah melihat seseorang yang pintar dan percaya diri, gw melihat seseorang yang sombong, gw melihat seseorang yang sangat ketakutkan. Tapi elu genius, ga ada seseorang pun yang menyangkal itu. Ga ada seseorang pun yang dapat memahami kedalaman dari diri elu. Tapi elu akan beranggapan bahwa elu tahu semuanya, bahwa elu dapat mengetahui segalanya dari selera lagu seseorang dan elu merobek-robek kehidupan gw menjadi berkeping-keping.

Elu pikir gw tahu tentang ‘how hard your life has been, how hard you feel, and who you are, karena gw membaca oliver twist?’

Does that encapsulate you? Personally… I don’t give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can’t learn anything from you, I can’t read in some fuckin’ book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t want to do that. You’re terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other. Fuck them, ok?

Ia terlalu takut untuk mencoba sesuatu, dan takut untuk menjalin hubungan dengan orang lain, karena ia takut akan ditinggalkan. Itu adalah sebuah mekanisme pertahanan diri, kata Sean.

Film ini mengajarkan:

1) Semua orang takut untuk gagal, tetapi setidaknya mereka telah mencoba. Jangan takut berusaha.

2) Kecerdasan setiap orang berbeda-beda. Ada kalanya orang pintar di bidang akademis, tapi bidang lainnya tidak. Will mengalami hal ini.

3) Penyakit mental lebih mengerikan daripada penyakit jasmani. Mereka terus menggerogotimu. Temukan penyebabnya dan sembuhkan.

Skylar: Well, what aren’t you scared of? You live in this safe little world where no one challenges you and you’re scared shitless to do anything else but defend yourself because that would mean you’d hafta’ change.

Will: Oh no. Don’t, don’t, don’t tell me about my world. Don’t tell me about my world! I mean you just wanna have your fling with like the guy from the other side of town. Then you’re going to go off to Stanford, you’re going to marry some rich prick who your parents will approve of and just sit around with the other trust fund babies and talk about how you went slumming too, once.

Skylar: Why are you saying this? What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don’t think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can’t, and that’s my life and I deal with it. So don’t put your shit on me when you’re the one that’s afraid.

Will: I’m afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?

Skylar: You’re afraid of me! You’re afraid that I won’t love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I’m honest with you.

Will: Alright, well, Beethoven. He looked at a piano, and it just made sense to him. He could just play… I look at a piano, I see keys, three pedals and a box of wood. But Beethoven, Mozart, they see it. They could just play. I couldn’t paint you a picture, I probably can’t hit the ball out of Fenway, and I can’t plan the piano. Well, I mean, when it came to stuff like that, I could always just play. That’s the best I can explain it.

‘Cause tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll be 50. And I’ll still be doing this shit. And that’s all right, that’s fine. I mean, you’re sittin’ on a winning lottery ticket and you’re too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that’s bullshit. `Cause I’d do anything to fuckin’ have what you got. So would any of these fuckin’ guys. It’d be an insult to us if you’re still here in 20 years. Hanging around here is a fuckin’ waste of your time

Some people can never believe in themselves, until someone believes in them.