So let me tell you a love story once upon a time not so long ago in a land that Google to be 5172 miles away. I met a guy and he was perfect, so I’ll tell you the meeting story I just hate this really cool TV show about experimenting with your sexuality and I met him at the after party through one of our famous friends who is a DJ.
He was tall dark handsome kind of rock star and a little bit emotionally unavailable very soon we were spending all of our time together we threw these really cool parties for all of our cool friends we have backstage every festival and when my hands were called he would take them under his arms to warm the mark he was my best friend and I thought we would be together forever and so strong with that belief that when the warning signs came I just ignored them until the day that i can ignore them anymore.
I become quite unwell I wasn’t so pretty anymore and I definitely can’t go out to any of the parties in fact I was for the first time in my life actually vulnerable because i was miss carrying our baby and at that point when i was at my weakest.
He left it’s not a joke uh-huh coming downstairs, where I know you know what I would have followed him out the door to the ends of the earth but I couldn’t get out of my bed when I did get up. I found that our house has been stripped bare the paintings were gone for the rules and the rooms that we used to dance in together were empty.
I walked around those rooms like an animal howling picking myself up offer the literal floor that day I had to recognize that after all of this excitement in this joy and this fantasy at the end of all that love, i had nothing and you know what that wasn’t even the first time something like that happened to me.
I was a magnet for chaos, I like chaos because when i was in chaos i don’t have to confront anything about who I was.
Truthfully I hadn’t known who I was for years, because on the floor that day, I did have someone I had myself.
But for a long time that it’s come to feel like it won’t meant nothing and it was invaluable so I know it seems a bit self-indulgent come out here today.
And talk to you guys about like effectively a breakup story but it was one of a chain of many incidences that made me think maybe there’s other people like me, maybe there’s other people that aren’t approaching love in the right way.
Because I think we’ve all had experiences right, they’re like and they look like love, they feel like love when you open them up there’s nothing loving about them, but we continue to chase love, because I think love is sold to us, is almost like the ultimate solution to ourselves.
The things that like makes our past okay that gives us a direction for the future and abused our everyday reality with meaning. I think love can be beautiful, I think it can be exciting, I think sometimes it can also be an act of escapism and I’ve had a long time to think about this as the introduction.
When it comes to dating and that’s really because I’m concerned that in our quest for love sometimes it can be the ultimate distraction to fixing ourselves and doing the real work that will actually make us happy, because don’t get me wrong. I think that the desire for attachment for intimacy for security for love those those girls are natural that human and they’re good I think. But sometimes the way we go about them is a bit weird whether that’s crazy ridiculous on/off destructive relationships or needing to go on a date every single night of the week with a different person you know like the hip form of dating where you have someone on the back burner, someone on the front burner, someone under the grill and then someone else over there in the freezer just in case god forbid right.
It’s been a night by yourself and in this it feels really like loneliness is the driver or escapism is the driver not love.
So I’m kind of starting to preach the opposite believe now that of course the answer lies not in another person but within yourself, because I think sometimes the melodrama of love takes us further away rather than closer to who we actually are
So I find that my dating advice is gradually shrinking down to be essentially : go meditate, get some therapy, read a book, that it’s not what you would call like as sexy strategy for the millennial generation. A generation that is used to 4g download speeds skyping a friend of bored and Netflix and chill with someone you just met from tinder.
So I think when we used to expecting everything we want right here, right now!
When we can’t just vend an automatic level of human connection we not only feel like we’re getting it wrong, but like we’re not getting what we are entitled to and then you just take one look at Instagram everybody else has it sorted out and we certainly have in the culture that surrounds telling us that we should have fallen in love, will be falling in love or at least have had great sex, right? like yesterday.
You know like that face it who actually enters into the arena of love, looking for you… Maybe become a better person to be kind to have more integrity to get more grounded, no one does that, is because our eyes off ourselves we’re looking for that next of this adventure that greener grass that new person.
So we don’t have to deal with any of that stuff and I understand how easily it happens right you just kind of meet someone sexy. I don’t know where maybe it was a party on the train or the tube as we would say in London and or maybe you just met them you both joined tinder that day, how magical.
I know before too long you realize that you have some stuff in common, like… wow! you both like almond butter, Star Wars, you can name all four teenage mutant ninja hero turtles and then like suddenly telling how you met like this serendipitous coincidence of cosmic proportions it’s like move over Romeo and Juliet not that ended very well.
Let’s all remember that so when you think about your not exactly being Romeo and Juliet were actually living in the real world. I think the thing is the main cell when you kind of fall for someone is it’s like you
I’m not alone anymore hooray, nailed it uh-huh because you dont have to guess what you do, that you go home every night and you get to put your head on the pillow and you don’t have to think about you. or knowing your needs, your wants, your past and actually kind of all the stuff that’s really probably stopping from you, from becoming happy.
Because you’re not fixing it instead you get to be entrapped by somebody else and you intrigued by them on your mind, and you have someone new to spiral into and focus on.
I think sometimes when you’re focusing on that perfect romance, you’re not actually doing the real work to fix the stuff, that’s stopping you from becoming happy and because of that, i think the most of us when it comes to love and dating kind of need an epic timeout.
And i have just read that for myself and I did six months cold turkey. No, no, dating.. No internet dating.
Dating is a numbers game I think actually these truisms that’s around dating on in fact true at all in fact I think they lead us away from what the real issue is because the problem and the problem earlier it’s within you, it’s within me, it’s with our ridiculous ideas around romances with, is with our needs that we haven’t realized yet, it’s with our past that we don’t want to talk about it, with our desires, it with our inability to get through one day with picking up our smartphones and it’s with what we value, so I decided after all of that I was like you, know what I’m done with groundhog day in love.
I actually want to discover a bit more about myself because the truth is, I wasn’t even born Haley win cause I choose that name, cause I thought it sounded cool. I was actually born Haley Whittle and I was when I was born I was grew up in a poor family my parents were disabled I was really teased at school a lot for being the weird girl.
I used to work as a dishwasher and because of that there was so much pain and shame in my past I just didn’t want to touch it and the way I run away from it. If i run away from it towards our love and with our fantasy. I decided after all that running I wasn’t really getting anywhere. I was just really creating the same mistakes time and time again.
So I thought, I better stop.. at that time I was like feel something and i can tell you when i stopped I did feel devastating, despair, alone and I think I cried every single day for the first month on the phone to my mom which was awkward because I had already spoken to her for about a decade, at that stage and then I come home and I come home to this empty dirty house with no guy and no baby no possessions left in it
And then somedays I wake up and the pain will be so bad that it felt like my heart was burning and to resist the temptation that stage not to reach out and take that little plaster of you know : dating or love or some attention to fix how I was feeling.
It was really hard um but gradually you know what a great thing happened is that i came back into the room I became aware again my mindset to work i reconnected my family, my friends and I stopped being so obsessed with going out every night of the week.
If you even see a shadow of yourself, a little shadow of your story in my ridiculous life.
I would advise just taking the time to take that pause and I’m going to tell you why i’m actually going to sell it to you. For her work in progress tracking progress a second thing when you stop waiting for your prince or princess compressing through the door and save you and soul of your life, you will start kind of living in here and now more
And when you live in here and now, you become more grounded you become more confident you can stronger you also become more self-aware and when you’re aware, you become more aware of the people around you and you know what I saw and what I see I see people running away all the time every single day of their lives.
And then you see those situations and you have the foresight to step back for a change rather than get involved, I also learned that life is pretty dramatic as it is.
It throws up plenty of challenges, so you don’t really need to create any more and go out there on a mission to have more drama, you can just leave it. And finally realized you know all those people say to you, they say you need to be alone before you can be by yourself before you can meet someone else. I used to think those people were boring.
Now I think they’re right there definitely probably right because I think sometimes actually when we actually confront are loners and we we start to deal with our needs in the past and all that horrible pain that you know is people we just collect and carry with us throughout our lives when we deal with that and we’re not running from it in endless people are endless dates.
We don’t have anything to prove any more when you don’t need a destructive ridiculous on-off relationship in order to feel alive in order to feel like you exist when you can just be (Be content. Stop seeking. Accept what is and be happy with that). I kind actually think that’s real love.