MY OWN ROCK BOTTOM : ART OF SEDUCTION (SYNECDOCHE)

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Hidup itu seharusny untuk bekerja, kita datang dengan diri kita sendiri, membuka diri kita terhadap kehidupan, terhadap dunia. Kita mencoba untuk mengenali hasrat kita, lalu kita terlipat kembali ke dalam diri kita.. lalu kita mati.

Dalam prosesnya kita suka menempatkan orang – orang tersebut dalam ruang-ruang dan kita hidup dalam ruang-ruang yang terpisah, dan mendefinisikan, memberi arti, menjelaskan tugas mereka, bagaimana seharusnya mereka menguntungkan untuk diri kita.  Karena kita ga dapat memaksa mereka untuk mengikuti hasrat keinginan kita, kita berurusan dengan proyeksi mereka yang kita buat dalam pikiran kita.

Pada suatu titik mereka akan kontra dan memiliki hasrat keinginan sendiri. Pada akhirnya proyeksi diri kita bertemu dengan proyeksi baru mereka, terkadang versi diri kita tidak setuju denganya, lalu kita mengalah terhadap godaan dan bujukan mereka. Apa lagi yang aku akan lakukan, kita kacau, nilai yang menurut kita benar tidak sesuai dengan nilai-nilai orang tersebut. Kita menyesuaikan diri kita terhadap diri mereka, sementara kita dalam perjalanan kehilangan diri kita.

Kita menyesal lalu, lalu kita melakukan itu kembali. Kamu tahu marshmellow experiment?

Dunia ini merupakan panggung itu sendiri, dan kita hanyalah aktor terhadapnya, itu Cuma permainan belaka, permainan yang sungguhan.

…………..

Segalanya lebih rumit daripada apa yang elu pikirkan, mungkin elu hanya melihat 1/10 kebenaran yang ada yang dimana kemungkinan ada jutaan, terkadang ada jutaan-jutaan tali kecil yang melekat pada setiap pilihan yang kau buat saat ini dan saat ini juga elu dapat menghancurkan hidup lu dengan pilihan yang elu ambil. Tapi ketika umur elu bertambah 20 tahun kemudian, elu ga akan pernah tahu dan ga akan pernah bisa melacak darimana sih semua sumber malapetaka ini.

Elu hanya dapat memilih satu dari jutaan senar atau tali-tali itu untuk elu mainkan dan hanya ada 1 kesempatan untuk memainkanya. Misalnya mencari tahu sebab kenapa elu bisa bercerai.

Dan mereka mengatakan tidak ada yang namanya takdir, tapi itu tadi ialah takdir dengan apa yang elu perbuat, itu semua akan menjadi takdir elu nantinya. Dan meskipun dunia sudah melalui masa ribuan tahun… elu di sini hanya untuk sebagian kecil dari sepersekian detik tepatnya 0.17 detik apabila dibandingkan umur alam semesta. Lucunya sebagian besar waktum elu dihabiskan menjadi mati atau ketika elu belum lahir. Tapi sementara hidup elu, elu menunggu dalam kesia-siaan.. menyia-nyiakan waktu bertahun-tahun untuk panggilan telepon atau surat serta sms untuk dilihat… yang kemungkinan itu dari seseorang yang siginifikan untuk elu, yang membuat validasi terhadap sesuatu untuk membuat semuanya menjadi benar.

Dan itu tidak pernah datang sepertinya, tidak dalam kenyataan. Jadi kau menghabiskan waktumu dalam penyesalan yang samar… Atau harapan yang menyebutkan secara jelas bahwa sesuatu yang baik akan datang. Penantian akan sesuatu yang membuat mu merasa terkoneksi. Untuk sesuatu untuk membuatmu merasa utuh. Sesuatu untuk membuatmu merasa dicintai. Sementara kenyataannya adalah …… gw merasa sangat marah. Karena kenyataannya adalah …… Gw merasa begitu sedih. Dan sebenarnya, gw merasa sakit yang sudah sangat lama. Dan selama ini, aku berpura-pura aku baik-baik saja… Hanya untuk bergaul, hanya untuk … gw tidak tahu kenapa. Mungkin karena tidak ada yang mau mendengar tentang penderitaan gw… Karena mereka sibuk dengan urusan sendiri. Brengsek semuanya.

Setiap orang mengecewakan ketika kau mengenal seseorang.

Kenapa gw menangis, karena gw ga pernah merasakan seseorang seperti apa yang gw rasakan terhadap elu, gw ingin bercinta dengan elu hingga kita bergabung menjadi chimera, suatu makhluk yang menjadi mitologi yang dimana ada penis dan vagina ditubuhnya yang selalu bersatu, serta dua pasang mata yang selalu melihat satu sama lain dan bibir yang selalu bersentuhan satu sama lain, satu suara yang selalu berbisik kepadanya.

Apa yang ada sebelum kau ialah persaaan antusias tentang masa depan, masa depan yang menarik dan misterius … sekarang mereka dibelakang elu dan

… Sekarang elu tertinggal dibelakang, dan elu telah memahami sebagian darinya, beberapa hal yang mengecewakan tentang masa depan yang misterius itu tidak misterius lagi, sekarang hal yang mengecewakan itu ada disini.. Elu sadar bahwa kau tidak istimewa. Elu sudah berjuang menjadi ada dan kini tergelincir secara diam-diam keluar dari sini. Ini adalah pengalaman semua orang. Setiap orang. Ketidakpedulian yang spesifik. Setiap orang adalah untuk dirinya masing-masing.

Jadi kau adalah Mahawira, hambali, atau pak suar. Semua kesedihannya adalah milikmu. Semua kesepiannya. Sudah saatnya bagimu untuk memahami hal ini. Ayo kembali Berjalan. Seperti orang-orang yang memujamu berhenti memujamu …… Karena mereka mati, karena mereka melupakan. Kau melepaskan mereka, karena elu telah menumpahkan semua kecantikanmu, ketampananmu, masa mudamu… Seolah dunia melupakanmu, karena kau mengenali kefanaanmu… Ketika elu mulai merasa kehilangan karakteristik satupersatu… Saat kau belajar tidak ada orang yang memperhatikanmu… Dan elu ngerasa diri elu tidak pernah ada, kau hanya berpikir tentang mengemudi. Tidak datang dari manapun, tidak tiba dimana saja … elu merasa tersesat… Hanya mengemudi, menghitung waktu. Sekarang kau berada di sini. Ini 07:43. Sekarang kau berada di sini. Ini 08:30. Sekarang kau pergi. Bertanya – tanya, dimana semua orang? Elu pasti pernah ngerasa setiap tempat memiliki sensasi yang berbeda-beda karena terdiri dari orang yang berbeda-beda dengan karakteristik yang berbeda-beda, sementara ruangan tetap sama. RUANGAN GA PEDULI TENTANG APA YANG ELU RASAKAN…!!! Kebanyakan mati. Beberapa tinggal. Beberapa Pergi.

Maukah kau duduk denganku sebentar? Karena aku sangat lelah dan kesepian. Aku merasa seperti aku mengenal kau.

 Amin.

LONLEY

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She could tell something was wrong and asked if I wanted to talk about it but how do I talk about the stupid illogical demons in my head without sounding like a depressed anxious nutjob.

But truthfully I just wish I could tell her how lonely I was today. How much self hate I felt. How selfish I feel and fat and how it has been so hard to find will today. How exhausted I am.

How when I think about work I just want to curl up. And about how lonely I feel!!! And selfish! Did I say those already? I feel selfish because I’m lonely and I’m lonely because I feel selfish. I don’t want to rely on someone for comfort. Shouldn’t I just provide that for myself? But some days I just don’t know how to. But I try. But I feel awful. As I grow older I fear I mature and become unable to connect with people on a level where a bond and friendship occur.

FINDING THE ONE : MODERN DATING (ISLAND OF LOVE)

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Why do we get into relationships? We allow a person into our lives and into our hearts, risking heartbreak and emotional turbulence, hoping that the good times will outweigh the bad. We let our guard down in exchange for connection. We invest our very selves in something much bigger than us; the possibility of falling in love.

Finding “the one” is no easy task. It’s a strenuous game of trial and error that can leave us exhausted and crushed if we are not careful. In the search for connection we expose our most secret sides to another person, trusting that they will see something in us that is worth holding on to. But if finding “the one” is in fact so difficult and so wearying, why are we willing to give love a chance time after time?

These days, monogamy appears to be a dying concept. It seems as though less and less people are seeking something concrete and exclusive, opting instead for filler and fun. This concept can significafindintly complicate matters of relationships, because it can often be difficult to differentiate the ones who are seeking just another good time from the ones who are truly seeking someone to invest in.

In a world where the notion of monogamy seems to be disappearing as quickly as old-fashioned romance and dating, how safe is it to invest in the idea of something more? Are we just fooling ourselves, or do we really have another half? Are we betting too much in this love game, all the while setting ourselves up to be hurt?


And for once in your life, you need to walk away and suffer the loneliness.. because you believe that one day in the far and distant future, you’ll be happy. and not so cracked and broken anymore. and you won’t cry anymore. and when you smile, it won’t be a façade- it will be real. and that empty heart-shaped black hole in your chest will slowly fade back to a healthy pink color. and you’ll know that all the pain, all the sadness, everything you feel when you’re crying yourself to sleep.. it’s gone. and you’re stronger for it.

but until then, it’s going to hurt.. and you’re going to cry. and it’s going to continue to be the worst times of your life. and you’re going to wonder how long it’s going to take. and you will fake that smile until your face hurts. and you will drink until you forget. and then you will remember in the morning. and every day, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. and every night, you will wonder where he is, and what he is doing, and if he’s thinking about you too. and you will cry, you will cry, you will cry until you think you’re out of tears. but they will continue to fall…

– Anne Morrow Lindbergh, The Gift from the Sea


Some people live ironic lives. They are always surrounded by people but they always feel lonely. It’s a funny situation, it seems that they grew up being taught the virtues of selflessness yet they are always left being the ones cowering in a corner, waiting for their to be loved, wondering if they’re worthy to be loved at all. They always look for assurances in people who aren’t able to meet these expectations. They seek solace in lovers that could only provide a “lusting” moment, enjoying while its lust.

To them, love has become predictable – a predictable series of  fantasies they are drawn to live in. They wonder, always they wonder, if life could prove their expectations wrong at the end. That love isn’t possible to stay for far too long. But it has become a cliché – an overused confusion of a dreamworld that will inevitably promise to make them hope in vain.

People, feeble humans as they are, are always vulnerable. No matter how many times previous lovers have cautioned them to always hold their  shield up and guard themselves from falling too deep, they are always in need of being cuddled, being needed, letting their guards down, eventually succumbing to the mirage of forever.

Maybe, these people, regardless of how many times they are broken, need to be assured of their ability to love and to attract love. No matter how many wrong turns they take in love, eventually they still believe in a way out up ahead… even if it worsens… But then again, it’s in the worst times that you learn to trust yourself. It just sucks that people aren’t in the same position as they are… The end of the arrow may be as sharp as it can be, still people welcome it, hopeful that it will not hurt as much as they have experienced it in the past…

Yet.. They fail.  But they’re still welcome…:’(

CLOSING CYCLES (PAULO COELHO)

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Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need . This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need . This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

RAINMAN : DYSPHORIA

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I feel like walking under rain. I want to wash off the tears that never seem to run dry. Getting myself soaked will be a better alternative to this sadness. At the very least I can feel something other than this cheerlessness. I can be a kid again. I will gladly trade anything so I can be rid of the unhappiness that never seem to elude me.

Right now, I just want to walk under the rain. I want to be amazed with the sprinkles rather than the hurt that devours me. I want to catch water on my joined palms, holding something intangible even if it is for an ephemeral moment.

I just don’t want to answer the things I have been questioned of which I have no answers either. I just want to hide this dysphoria.