Morrie’s advice: “When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” (Tuesdays with Morrie, p.104)

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Live like you know what death is.

He lives like he has experienced death before, like there’s no more surprises for him in store. He’s acidic to the base, and solid to the core, whatever he asks, he is given more. He litters language and goes to war, beat back the waters of delirium’s shore. He steps to the cadence of an endless score, one step, two step, three step, four.  His tongue has an edge that leaves your ears sore, his pride’s a shield that’ll never yield anymore. Hear his diction, and fear his roar. A blade to your throat is hard to ignore. He will change the ideals that you live for, as he pushes the boundaries of life’s last door.

SLEEP WELL DARLING

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I’m desperate to know how you are
I hope you’re deep asleep
I’ve been awake for days
Trying to study every inch of your body

In this picture, from a distant day
When I could safely say
Nothing in this world
Could tear me down in any way

But like a dream you disappeared
Without a sound, without a trace

Sleep well, darling, wherever you are
I hope that you’re happy tonight
And maybe you found
Someone who will love you right

Sleep well, darling
I’m desperate to say
Now I need you more than ever
But all I could say was goodnight

This is for a girl back home
She tore down all my walls
Left me for all she had known
But I pushed it all away from me

LANGIT KELABU

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Bermuram durja di bawah naungan langit kelabu.
Berpikir mengenai engkau, yang rasa nya entah masih bertahan atau sudah berlalu.
Aku sayang kamu,
Itu katamu,
Seolah bukan hal rumit untuk mengucapkannya padaku.
Aku selalu sayang kamu,
Lagi-lagi katamu,
Sebelum semua kata yang kau agungkan itu melebur bersama ketidakpastian semu.

Kau dan aku sama saja.
Sama-sama sudah muak dengan setitik asa yang dipaksakan untuk tetap tercipta.
Dengan ribuan aksara cinta yang kehilangan makna.

Lantas, untuk apa bertahan?
Toh kita malah melangkah semakin jauh dari garis kepastian.
Toh kau seperti sudah menemukan sosok yang lebih menggairahkan.
Toh kita memang tidak pernah menjadi sesuatu yang pada mulanya kita inginkan.

Mari akhiri,
Sebelum semakin saling menyakiti.

LONLEY

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She could tell something was wrong and asked if I wanted to talk about it but how do I talk about the stupid illogical demons in my head without sounding like a depressed anxious nutjob.

But truthfully I just wish I could tell her how lonely I was today. How much self hate I felt. How selfish I feel and fat and how it has been so hard to find will today. How exhausted I am.

How when I think about work I just want to curl up. And about how lonely I feel!!! And selfish! Did I say those already? I feel selfish because I’m lonely and I’m lonely because I feel selfish. I don’t want to rely on someone for comfort. Shouldn’t I just provide that for myself? But some days I just don’t know how to. But I try. But I feel awful. As I grow older I fear I mature and become unable to connect with people on a level where a bond and friendship occur.

SHOTS

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Shots fired from one side , and from the other.
Shooting at each other. The shooting that seems to be never ending.
All the damage that’s been done. Scars everywhere.

The shooting still going, burning my ear drums.
The chaos drowning me.
The battle still being fought. The battle that’s been going on for so long now.

Will the battle finally be over?
Will one of the shooters finally be gunned down?
I open my eyes; I see nothing but stillness.
But the shooting going on in my mind, has drown out any stillness that was left.
One shooter: sorrowful, accepts no positivity nor any hope.
The other shooter: positive, hopeful, accepting no sorrow.

My brain is the battle ground.
The war’s been going on so long now.
The winner seems apparent.

I wonder who the victor will be?
I wonder, when this battle will finally be over, what will the cost be?
Let the shooting go on, for the damage is already done, and it won’t stop, until one has won.