COMFORT – DISCOMFORT (ORDER – COMPLEXITY – CHAOS)

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So I was on a roll I was an executive with my salary annual bonuses and stock options all the perks everything was on track and on Monday January seventh 2008 at three o’clock in the afternoon in a small conference room on the top floor of our building the president of the company wanted to have a quick meeting with me.

Which wasn’t unusual since he’s my boss but the meeting turned out to be more breathing expected he fired me and I’ll never forget how his words just sucked the breath right out of me and I left the conference room in a daze state and I went home and crawled up my bed in the fetal position for three hours and I could go on a vivid detail about how I felt, what I did in my self-esteem, my finances and so on.

What I now realize is well that event created the greatest amount of discomfort I had ever felt. It was that discomfort the departure from my order life that forever changed it for the better you see friends what makes you comfortable can ruin you.

All makes you uncomfortable is the only way to grow.

Let me say that again : ‘what makes you comfortable can ruin you and only in a state of discomfort can you continually grow’.

And I suppose fun generate somebody come up and said gee buddy being fired it’s a good thing because now you’re really going to grow. I probably want to smack them but pretty quickly became motivated to start a new journey.

And after a couple years to work with my new team and a PhD friend at the University of Nebraska, we had this epiphany on how to illustrate and apply the science of discomfort and growth we call the concept the growth rings the growth rings represent living environments that promote or hinder growth and that includes everything from your place of work to even a fishbowl you see what dictates the size of goldfish is its environment.

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And while this goldfish lives in a very safe environment, it’s also very limiting and most every way and when placed in a more robust environment likes a small pond this can be the result it also means he could be eaten but friends this is you the environments in which you work live and play there all proverbial fishbowl that dictates your growth.

So the first thing represent a low-performing low growth environment called stagnation ‘stagnation’ is understood by having to follow too many steps and permissions of my new shot the stifles creativity independent thought and action to imagine.

An environment such as this thing no further our state and federal governments now the antithesis of stagnation is ‘chaos’ also no growth and low performing chaos can be caused by internal or external events or conditions is having zero predictability or control over inputs and outcomes coming back down.

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The growth rings next to stagnation is most desirable environment ‘order’. Order is knowing that what you do or what is happening in your environment needs to a predictable outcome and predictability comfort is found the comfort is also what makes order so dangerous because science shows that anytime you continually do something even think about something the same way you’ll eventually stop growing and this applies to every living thing.

Even our dog you see if Aspen had a chance she choose comfort six days a week and twice on sundays but too much growth limiting order would have prevented her from becoming a therapy dog.

And had this been allowed think of the lives this gentle soul would not be touching today.

So before your order continues to limit the way you think and act remember what i said earlier ‘growth only occurs in a state of discomfort’.

I think about the power of that phrase growth only occurs in a state of discomfort i can unequivocally state I wouldn’t be standing on this stage today without my uncomfortable or disrupting day nine years ago.

When you feel discomfort hit that means you’ve entered the complexity ring complexity is nothing more than changed order but when your order is changed outcomes are no longer predictable and its unpredictability that makes you uncomfortable and while most times your visceral response to discomfort is not just no but hell no you can actually learn how empowering it is to consciously acknowledged discomfort and then when appropriate choose complexity over order.

And I know seeking discomfort sounds odd and not many people do it but you have to learn to embrace it because it’s the only environment were sustained or exponential growth can occur ok to weave high-growth complexity into the fabric of your lives there are three primary ways it can be triggered complexity.


Trigger number one is it can be forced upon you.

when I got fired I didn’t have a chance to stay in order complexity was selected for me. And when this happens how much you grow depends on how you respond to it.

Now I could have remained angry, I could have used it as an excuse but what i considered what actually learned is that i suck as an employee and I’m much better off accepting the risks of running my own company.


Complexity trigger number two  : someone can help you get there.

This is the role of parents teachers coaches and bosses because the left on their own people will consciously or subconsciously select the comfort of order and they then need to be pushed into complexity in order to continue growing.

My youngest daughter spent most of her high school life training to play tennis and her coach was pretty familiar with our work on complexity and the growth rings so i called him up one day to check on Maddie’s progress and i was able to raise my question like this i said hey neat how long has been since Maddie’s been pushed deep in the complexity.

These response funny and ask bill we got there yesterday she broke down into tears on the tennis court huh well knowing how tough my daughterís and the fact that she never cries told me she was deep in the complexity.

But friends this is where critical developmental decisions are made because the old bill the pre growth ring bill would have intervened and wanted to know what was making her so uncomfortable then I would have done everything I could to try and get her happy again.

What I really would have been doing is removing the complexity and putting her in order i actually would have been stifling her development.

But the new post growth ring bill relished in his daughters discomfort and it was the coaches next words that told me everything I needed to hear he said ‘it took a heck of a lot more to get her to the limits of complexity this month than it did last month’.

Discomfort was causing her growth okay, but what if you’re not lucky enough to live or work in a robust I growth environment.

What if you’re stuck in order even worse stagnation all the great news is everyone can trigger complexity at any time so complexity.


Trigger number three  : trigger it yourself.

take a journey with me back to montgomery alabama and the nineteen fifties. Imagine if you will a young girl whose black and she attends an all-black high school and she takes the city bus to get there at home which was an unusual in that era and a march second 1955. She boards a bus to come home from school and she sits near the back in the first row of seats were blacks were allowed to set and as a bus continues to fill with white people there’s eventually no more room in the front of the bus and according to local law.

She needed to move further back to create room for white people to set you see Montgomery had an order in place than one followed it to a very predictable outcome repression of people with little conflict but 15 year old car that Colvin had just spent the last month in high school studying black history and she was understandably fed up with the historic in existing atrocities.

And so on this day she decided she didn’t like my montogmery order and by refusing to give up receipt she sent a community our laws and our entire country in the complexity yes nine months before Rosa Parks made her famous decision to stay put who’s a fifteen-year-old girl that was handcuffed dragged from the bus and taken to prison it was Miss Colvin not Rosa Parks who first fought the law and by the way was also the star plaintiff to testify in the famous lawsuit that went all the way to the US Supreme Court so i use closets actions not to heighten awareness of race issues.

Although that’s not necessarily bad but I used as an example of every issue of every situation in an ordered environment it’s a real and perfect example of complexity forcing people our communities and our courts into discomfort and the downstream impact.

That can occur anytime someone elects to move from order.

dr. serene Jones in a recent book summarizes this concept very eloquently she said the constant facade of order hides the wilderness that is craving to see bounty church that knife wasn’t created, to be what we think it is beyond words we must experience the wilderness to be taught what cannot be.

Otherwise known so friends it’s not the discomfort of losing a job it’s not having a child breakdown on the tennis courts but its order you should fear the most because it is a threat in order disrupting people like Jesus, Galileo and maybe even a few of you have already proven and I think about this it’s not the complexity triggering individuals or events you should fear the most but it’s your own willingness to accept or seek discomfort that will dictate the growth of not just you but our entire world.

Thank you very much for allowing me to be a part of us.

Iklan

IAM HOME : SOLO DROPLET RAIN

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Being the best banana I could be which is yellow on the outside and white on the inside. And I always had these struggles with my identity. I remember the day that it really hit me. I was walking next to a very reflective building with my friends and I look over and I think one of these things is not like the other one of these things is not the same and all my friends were white and I wasn’t and it made me really question my identity.

And the reason why this became such a problem for me, was because if I didn’t know who I was, I had a difficult time really believing that I knew what I wanted or I knew what I believed in.

Or I knew what identified in, if I can’t even figure out what I am how can I make the big choices in life. So I would lie in my bed staring up at the ceiling thinking, for no real purpose just thinking in circles, with no real satisfaction, just thinking about Who I am.

I thought so much I name this term I called it and excuse the language, I called it mental masturbation. It wouldn’t be satisfying, I just thinking consecutively and then when I was done probably fall asleep.

And then the next day I would do it again, mental masturbation this did not get better. At the end of university I was still thinking am I really making these choices for the right reasons, you know I was a good Asian – American. I thought I’m gonna be a doctor lawyer and/or engineer this is where I’m supposed to be life is good.

I thought I had everything control under control, but I really had no idea and then divine intervention came a friend of mine max and his parents Linda Skylar and Steven stone who I will be forever indebted to came to me with the gift of travel and for a poor immigrant.

I thought this was a really big opportunity for me to actually get out there and see the world. So we started doing our trip, we started traveling around, we did the standard Europe we went to see way too many churches, way too many art galleries, all those you know things that you could have into the ground.

But Instagram did not exist then and it was fun we went over to Southeast Asia and I had a very educational experience with a ladyboy, same things with different went over to Australia and after ten months of travel which is amazing.

I said bye to my friends and they went home but I was compelled to keep on going I had to keep on going in. And it was because I was actually finally making decisions of my own poor decisions, but I was making decisions of my own.

I was learning about what I wanted, who I was, what I believed in is all coming together and I had a fundamental belief that it’s when you leave your friends your family the media and everyone who tells you, who you have to be. That’s really when you’re free to kind of figure out who you want to be. And it’s when you leave your couch, your TV your McDonald’s or Starbucks your Wi-Fi and your language that you’re really free to figure out… What you can really do.

So I thought, I got to keep on going and I did my trip and I kept on travelling so ten months turned into ten years.

And I did have my home bases but you know I wasn’t settled for a very long time I kept on popping in and out always going around and I kept traveling I did the standard thing where I would uh… You know it was pretty ridiculous. I went to over a hundred cities dozens of countries.

I lived in a few cities as well but it wasn’t enough, I thought I like the human experience… I gotta learn more about the human experience and I love culture. So if I learn more about other people I’ll learn more about myself right.

So I hit up all these festivals…. I went to the world’s largest food fight the Tomatina in Spain. I went to Songkran the world I just water fight I’ll call them all the world’s largest that would be there there’s even a wine fight for people who like wine.

I went to a festival in Taiwan where I would be dancing on fireworks and yes you bleed, you would also do those lantern festivals Holi in India the color festival and carnival in Brazil.

I thought I was is basically a hedonistic trip just figuring out culture but it wasn’t enough so I thought maybe I need a wider spectrum of the human experience and some of it happened by accident but. I thought what if I go to the more depressing side I went to Haiti after the earthquake. I went to nori New Orleans after Katrina. I’ve been shot at I’ve had a gun in my face I’ve been drugged homeless robbed.

I caught a thief in a Mario suit for some reason carnival you got to go and I was a beggar on the streets as well and although these horrible experiences were bad at the time they did teach me a lot but for some reason.

It still wasn’t a lot enough and just like I was taught as a child as many other people were taught that I was a special unicorn and my dreams meant everything. I thought you know what I’m gonna go for my dream. I’m gonna do what I always wanted no matter how unreasonable it is.

And I grew up on a video game video game called Street Fighter so I thought. I’m gonna go around the world and I am gonna fight everyone. I documented it I called it ‘my level up trip’ and I did ridiculousness.

I did a marathon and every continent Antarctica was a lot warmer than you would expect.

I lived in 12 different countries where I did martial arts and I lived in the Shaolin Temple. I did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in Copacabana. I would just go around the world fighting just like.

I thought was this amazing trip and my life started turning out into a weird Facebook profile where basically it was just a series of cuddly animals festivals and running lots of running and a lot of jumping.

For some read weird reason the police officers did stop but it was just to take pictures and I came back with all these photos all these experiences a lot of participation ribbons and way too many t-shirts from runs.

And I still felt the same I didn’t really learn much about myself. I just felt older, I wasn’t old but my friends were having babies and getting mortgages.

I felt poor, I was in poorer poor but I was in debt. I didn’t have savings and I felt alone and when I say that I don’t mean like I was all lonely.

I mean you ever watch one of those TV shows where there’s a group of friends and they have their adventures every single week but once in a while a guest. I would show up and then you wouldn’t see him for the next season that’s pretty much what I felt like.

Where I would be in and out after I tell my cool story, I’m gone. I didn’t have my my crew my group of friends, where I felt really really close to. So basically I passport stamps and stories.

So I was back to the start lying in my bed looking up at the ceiling thinking but this time I don’t call it mental masturbation, because I had a lot of material thinking back on and really try to dissect my travels to find an answer and that answer actually came really early on probably been the second year of my travels in North Korea and it was one of those very vivid moments.

Where I was going up the mountains in a bus, I was listening to this song by new Java’s called miss line and it was just perfect cuz we were literally in this mist line and I was raining and the clouds are kind of around us.

And I was looking at the window of the bus and there were these water droplets on it. I’m thinking back that’s probably when it all hit me and I figured it out this whole idea of identity and problems and things that I was trying to figure out.

Was all on this wind and I would look at one of these water droplets go across the window and it would get thinner and it would start stopping and then eventually would be gone and that’s how I was living my life I was this solo raindrop kind of going around along until I was stopped.

And when I think about those moments back in my trip where I felt really exuberant, where I felt really belonging where I fall amazing is because I was like a different raindrop.

When you look at another part of the bus it was full of water all these little raindrops all around it and as this raindrop went down it would collect from everything around it gain speed gain momentum get bigger and fatter and just kind of go all the way across and when I thought about it.

I felt like that was actually my identity it wasn’t so much.

There’s a book called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho oh my god and he says, you know “if you know your heart you won’t surprise yourself”.

I make horrible decisions guys the worst decisions make the best stories but I make some bad decisions and whenever I make that bad decision and something’s gonna happen.

This is exactly what you would have done, you wouldn’t have changed it ever. I know what I want and you know funny enough. I’m actually going back to medical school um before I was wondering if my parents were forcing me towards it. Now I realize it’s actually what I wanted. I just lost 10 years it’s okay, it’s what I would have done, I know what I was it’s also good because I know how to change myself and I’m not talking p90x and you know dieting and all that stuff to influence yourself.

It’s really a lot easier than you would think just like that raindrop that was going down that window you collect from people around you, which sounds pretty obvious and if you surround yourself with haters and people who are negative people that influence you in a poor way.

You’ll take it on you’ll start gossiping and you’ll think more like them being inspired is it’s not that difficult in a way you just got to surround yourself with people like the people here or people that you know that would push you forward make you a little uncomfortable.

You surround yourself with these water drops and you will absorb some of it you’ll also leave some of yourself behind and you’ll change. If you hang out with just photographers I swear you know photography terms, it’ll happen and it’ll happen automatically.

So I know what I want, I know how to change and then the next one is really important to me is resilience dealing with stress is difficult emotions are the only truth I’m told it’s the only thing that’ll make you quit a job or go and find yourself in some ashram in India it’s something that really affects you.

Because when you get those fields, you got to deal with them. Recently I went through a very difficult time in my life. Where I lost somebody who was a very big part of my identity and when you live with someone or when you are with somebody and you lose them you might lose the memories the times and a huge chunk of who you think you are.

And you might even not know who you are anymore, but if you’re thinking that you are this water drop it’s not that bad to get back on your feet you just gotta surround yourself again with people who remind you who you really are.

And that was really important to me and sure this part is gone but doesn’t mean that you can fill in the blanks again and you know become strong again as an identity and identity is really what we’re looking at. When you look in the mirror and you think that’s who I am and the last thing was belonging.

and I know exactly where I belong it’s not a geographic location, we don’t need identity as a geographic location anymore. It’s easier when you’re in Korea and let’s say your five closest friends all eat kimchi and all speak Korean and all do the same things and all want the same school but in a multicultural environment where none of my closest friends speak the same language identity. Is just this collaboration of everyone around you and that’s where I found my belonging and I think that’s the most important thing is to know where you belong thank you.

 

LOVE BOMBING

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But I mean fuck it I guess, might as well get more use to the loneliness,adapt or die.


through darkness and pain and strife I’ll sing, be, live, see


Let’s be face to face. Holding back our feelings when alone but on the internet posting it like we’re really cuttin the chase. It’s amazing how we can feel another persons emotions from a mile or two away. Almost like the human spirit is an electric wave that can’t be swept away even after the body drops and the pupils have dilated. Because when you’re strong enough to face your demon and hers and his and ours, you’ll see that there’s a mold to be broken. When you dig deep into someone’s skull as you pick out the words that have been seeping through the skin while it’s being spoken. I can’t help but to be the one that wants to save those who can’t save me and to be the one that needs to be saved when I can’t even save myself.


Now as the rain falls like shattered pieces of glass from the sky,
We bleed like water colors and drunken pastels down the stairways.


We were two lost souls
that werent meant for each other
but held on together
because we were too afraid of being alone.


Everything is temporary, emotions, thoughts, people and scenery. Do not become attached, just flow with it.



Deep in the meadow under the willow a bed of grass a soft green pillow lay down your head and close your eyes and when they open the sun will rise


Scream. Scream and release all that negative energy pent up inside you. Scream and imagine your voice is pushing all the negativity away from you. With every inhale, positivity and healing flows through your body and soul. With every exhaled scream, negativity and hurt rushes out of your body and soul. Release all that hurt, anguish, sadness, anger with your most emotionally, gutteral screaming. You are okay. You will heal. It won’t be bad forever.



Manage our expectation
Acknowledge the addiction
Accept the condition
Then move on

I guess that is all survivors have to do. This, of course, without considering the financial or any particular systemic factors that may hinder them to go away from the abuser.

And they make you question everything about your self.

Jadi begitu lo berasa ada yang salah ma kelakuannya, biasanya akan di-gaslight juga atau diputarbalikkan sampai lo yang berasa lakuin kesalahan.


Thus rejected she lies hid
in the deep woods, hiding her blushing face
with the green leaves; and ever after lives
concealed in lonely caverns in the hills.
But her great love increases with neglect;
her miserable body wastes away,
wakeful with sorrows; leanness shrivels up
her skin, and all her lovely features melt,
as if dissolved upon the wafting winds –
nothing remains except her bones and voice –
her voice continues, in the wilderness;
her bones have turned to stone.”

— Metomorphoses, Ovid (8 A.D.)


“survival of the fittest.” In the animal kingdom, the dominant male in a pride of lions fights his way to the top and is the first in line to feast on a group kill at the expense of weaker members who risk starvation when resources are low. Female lions don’t typically pair with those weaker males, they seek to mate with the dominant male in order to maximize the survival of their offspring. So it may be with people, where success can be associated not only with confidence, but dominance and a proclivity for interpersonal exploitation as well.”


How Love Bombing Works

Love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection. We’re not just talking about romantic gestures, like flowers and trips. Love bombing invariably includes lots of romantic conversation, long talks about “our future,” and long periods of staring into each other’s eyes. It’s the combination of words and deeds that makes love bombing so powerful, especially considering today’s technology. The ability to call, text, email, or connect on social media 24/7 makes it easier to be in constant contact with the object of one’s affection than ever before. 

Love bombing works because humans have a natural need to feel good about who we are, and often we can’t fill this need on our own. Sometimes the reason is situational, brought on by an event, like divorce or job loss. Other times, it’s more constant and traces back to our childhood. Whatever the source, love bombers are experts at detecting low self-esteem, and exploiting it. 


This is not to say that idealization by itself is unhealthy in romantic relationships. Over time, all couples can grow to think of each other in these ways, but the key is “over time.” No matter how perfect the connection, how great the sex, or the seemingly endless list of mutual interests, you can’t get to really know someone in less than six months. That’s why “love at first sight” is often a recipe for disaster.


 

FREE YOUR MIND TO EVOLVE FASTER : Reboot, Rewire, Rethink (MIND CONTROL)

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Who here wants less out of life? We dont.

We want more of life, we all want more fun, more travel, more excitment, more impact.

BUT WE LET THESE THINGS HOLD US BACK…!!!

You scared about life that you dont fuckine ven know why should you, no reason or it could be not scared as it looks.

You dont get reward out of life without taking the risks.

Everyday is the different crossroads, with what you do with your time, if you are consuming you are not thinking then who is in control? When you are not thinking we start to not want to think for ourselves. They dont like to be alone with their own thoughts to sit along with their own thoughts. 

Will you look back from your deathbed and say : “im really happy that i binged and watched three netflix series”

Or would you rather have spent that time planning that trip, worring on that book outlines, figuring out what you are going to do after uni. It is all about paradigm shift : an important change that happens when the usual way of thinking about or doing something is replaced by a new and different way.

Everyday is a flight to dissolve your bondaries and push the limits of what you can do. That more that we all want out of life is avaible to us but it is more and more hidden by layers and chaotics that we have introduced, this cast sucks our time and it makes us difficult to accomplish what we want  in life.

Because time and our brain cycles are  ours, to take back. But who is in control your mind it is the most important thing. Break the cains and you free your miond and you can start to evolve faster towards the more that we all want out of life.

[Mind control : How to win the war in your head]

My mind tells me i want to, but i just dont know. They dicide to life down, genocide of the mind. We are not like to be wrong or weak, so we justified ourselves, that we think is being strong. Warning you cant bully me.