RAINMAN : DYSPHORIA

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I feel like walking under rain. I want to wash off the tears that never seem to run dry. Getting myself soaked will be a better alternative to this sadness. At the very least I can feel something other than this cheerlessness. I can be a kid again. I will gladly trade anything so I can be rid of the unhappiness that never seem to elude me.

Right now, I just want to walk under the rain. I want to be amazed with the sprinkles rather than the hurt that devours me. I want to catch water on my joined palms, holding something intangible even if it is for an ephemeral moment.

I just don’t want to answer the things I have been questioned of which I have no answers either. I just want to hide this dysphoria.

LOST AND FOUND : LETTING GO

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“I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed.”

Sarah Dessen


People inspire you, or they drain you – pick them wisely.


In life you have two loves: one who changes the way you see yourself and the world, and the other who puts you back together after you’ve lost the first.


Sometimes, you just don’t see the pure evil in someone so close to you because you want to believe with all of your heart that they are just going through some rough years. When in reality, they are damaged and only care about themselves.

~ a sad true story


Things are never lost completely..
they are put away, misplaced or taken by someone else..
sometimes, they are transformed into something else..
just like the love you have for someone who is gone;
that love does not disintegrate..
one day when you least expect it,
you will find that things are less achy..
you will be amazed at how much the heart can bear..
and yes, you will be grateful for all that you’ve lost and all that you’ll find..
in time..


In an ideal world, you’d hope that everyone is paired. I  base this on the idea that everyone should at least have one person who would go to them. Ideally, your mother would have your father. Ideally, your daughter would have her husband; Ideally, you would have your lover. Throwing a monkeywrench into this, however, is age, more specially, a child has yet to meet their significant other, so they would have no one. This lack of attachment strikes me stronger than anything else, and that is why I apply my altruism to this situation. I would simply choose the person who has no one, so that they would have someone. even if that person is a complete stranger, as long as my loves are loved I would seek out the unloved and make them loved.


What’s the best relationship?
It’s when you both know you’re in love with each other,  yet you stay friends.


Letting go is what you do when you can’t hold on anymore. As if your hands are trying to grasp a grease-covered rope, a smooth-furred cat, or a friendship long past, slowly fading into the mist like a dream upon awaking. Letting go isn’t something you always want to do, and sometimes you grasp and flail and try to find some piece of what was there, but it’s gone. You try to figure out how it slipped away, and why you didn’t handcuff yourselves together when you could see clearly that you were standing side by side. Other times you don’t try to hold on. Other times, you see the thing you love walk away, down a long path, waving, or just going slowly, hands in pockets, down a trail that eventually ends in mist. Usually, when you watch them go, you realize what’s happening a little too late and you try to chase after them, to call into the mist and search and search, but you come out on the other side and find yourself alone.

Maybe you have a number that you’ll never call, or an address you’ll never write to, because you let it slip away.

Sometimes, you think about it, and you realize that maybe you could hold on, maybe you could struggle to find a foothold or a place where the rope comes unwound, and you could keep this thing if you both really tried. But you don’t, because it would be so painful, and because deep down you believe that one day you’ll be left alone, and all your pain and hardship will be for nothing. It’s usually worth it, but you usually let it go because you don’t realize how much it’s worth until it’s so far away that you can never catch up and tell him that you wish you had clasped hands and never said goodbye. And then maybe, every once in a while, for the rest of your life, you think about him, and you realize, that was good, that was real, that was worth saving, and aren’t I an idiot. And all you wish at that moment is that you could say you’re sorry and make it all better. But you won’t, because now the rope has torn, and trying to pull back on it will only rip it entirely in two. So you don’t, and you put away the pictures, the letters, and the memories, for another rainy day and hope that it doesn’t happen again. It will; but you’ll try.


you know you’re on the right track when you’re uninterested in looking back.

WAKING UP SOMEONE ELSE

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Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

Lemony Snicket

INCURABLE : INVADING SOLITUDE WITH USELESS THING

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So how is it that you still have the callousness to announce your presence again? Invading my solitude with your useless messages?

Stop adding to the sorrow. I am as restless as it is. Waiting for a new beginning. Repairing what has been left – of what you carelessly left behind. You’ve taken all what I was. Your choice to leave me required me to contemplate on what littlest is left of my faith.

I hope it was simple to choose to move on. To delete you from memory. Deciding between what you deemed past and my present seems a long, tiresome process. And right now, I’m so lazy to even begin it. Because you made me hope. You made believe in happy ever after. Denying me to let go.

Just stop whispering you missed me. Stop declaring you were thinking about me every time you were with her. Stop making an excuse out of the pretense you were protecting me. Because in reality, you were only protecting yourself by hiding me – that dark secret. However you refute these pleas, I realized they were empty words. I often overlook the  fact that you had a great way with words and I was the blind mouse who went with whatever was fed to me, making me believe in a positive outcome. I don’t know if you were ever real anymore. Because right now, doubt is a more tangible belief I need to hold on to in order for me to heal.

I hated the dark.  And you knew it. To be kept in it for this long has made me resent myself even more. And you were oblivious, forcing me to accept it even if it was killing me. You succeeded by playing god to my existence.

I refuse to play a part in your confusion. Take your misery and place it on someone else’s. You have broken me into a million pieces. There’s nothing left to break anymore but you still insist  to worsen the condition, not stopping til I am left in ruins. I think I should anticipate more. Because you’re heartless, inhuman selfish individual.

If those words aren’t loud enough to clear your head, just look at the choices you have on your hand. Obviously, I am not a part of them. Take them. Shove them in til it makes you bloated with arrogance.

I have every reason to be angry and wish you all the worst. I am entitled to such liberties.

Until I can be healed, I can’t wish you the happiness.

Right now, it’s just you and your miserable part in my life that I wish to be rid of. And when I finally forget you, don’t dare remember me.

GAMBLING ON LIFE : POSSIBILTY OF LIFE

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I know I’ve been a liar, and I know I’ve been a fool, but I’m banking on your intellect and your infuriating calm to validate my efforts. I know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t deserve it, ’cause they’re all you’ve got. To take down the ceilings and light the walls on fire just to see them burn, to love for the sake of feeling just a little less alone, I can’t understand your sense of shelter. I am, but a swarthy and incensed stranger living in a loud and contaminated wild. But, If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. I just don’t understand why people, why every fucking person is so bad to each other so fucking often. It doesn’t make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just…