You just get used to a quality of life. Came to environment when bad shit was happening all the time, all around me, everywhere.
So like, it di not seem that bad, i was kinda, looking back i was probably just traumatised by eveything at that age.. that.
I was desensitised to everything. There was nothing that could happen and nowhere i could go… and nothing that would shock me, cause…
I pretty much expected to like die anyway, so…
It is like there is this, bad person inside me and they are like stomping on the good bit, that i know that is there… And iam like get out.
I feel like there is like this disease or this like… this infection insde me, that makes me this way. All this bad stuff that is inside me, all this dirt. That i just need to get out.
Deep down iam a good person, but it is deep, deep down in there. It takes a lot to get to it, and i just… it frustrates me so much, cause i have tried to get all the bad stuff out, when i think about it in my head, that is how i think it is like dirt… And i have tried to get the dirt away, every single way. Man I have tried jagging it away. I have tried shagging it away, I have tried snorting it away. I have tried drinking it away, I have tried fighting it away. I have tried slashing my own arms away.
I have tried, I have tried everything to get it out.
Her eyes were beautiful and gentle, but they had seen battles. Her voice and demeanor were peaceful, but I side she was war. ~ Adriana Adame
i need to go out soon. i’m rotting in this four-walled prison.
as darkness slowly falls and the last sunlight fades, stars start to twinkle and you drift of to sleep. our hearts beat in sinc, as i close my eyes and follow you into the night
I was once a tough tree with roots deep into the soil Strong as an ox with passion as hot as a decent boil.
Now it’s simmered. My leaves have fallen, trunk decaying as if the sun stopped shining over me.
As for that I will not stand, I deserve all the power I can hold. All the passion I can control. I am the ox that leads the heard.
I want to reach the sky and sore as a mighty bird for which I cannot contain.
Let me be free, free to be who I was always meant to be.
Life has been cruel, but I shall let defeat be my fuel.
The inability to control oneself creates the desire to control others.
But I mean fuck it I guess, might as well get more use to the loneliness,adapt or die.
through darkness and pain and strife I’ll sing, be, live, see
We were two lost souls that werent meant for each other but held on together because we were too afraid of being alone.
Now as the rain falls like shattered pieces of glass from the sky, We bleed like water colors and drunken pastels down the stairways.
Let’s be face to face. Holding back our feelings when alone but on the internet posting it like we’re really cuttin the chase. It’s amazing how we can feel another persons emotions from a mile or two away. Almost like the human spirit is an electric wave that can’t be swept away even after the body drops and the pupils have dilated. Because when you’re strong enough to face your demon and hers and his and ours, you’ll see that there’s a mold to be broken. When you dig deep into someone’s skull as you pick out the words that have been seeping through the skin while it’s being spoken. I can’t help but to be the one that wants to save those who can’t save me and to be the one that needs to be saved when I can’t even save myself
“If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders – What would you tell him?”
I…don’t know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?”
One weird trick to frustrate the hell out of a Marxist bro
The other night, I pretended I didn’t know who Slavoj Žižek, the Slovenian Hegelian Marxist and cultural critic, was. I’ve done this before, but never to such triumphant effect. This Marxist bro I was talking to made a reference to Žižek that he obviously assumed I would get, and my heart sank. He was a nice guy, actually, but I saw the conversation stretching out in front of us, and I saw myself having to say things about Žižek and listen to him say things about Žižek, and I saw that I really did not want this to happen. “This is a bar,” I wanted to say, the same way that my grandmother might have said “This is a church.” A bar is not the appropriate venue for a loud, show-offy conversation about The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology.
At first, I thought I might be able to get away with ignoring the reference. Not so. He made another one, and then another one, and then said, sort of desperately, “Žižek argues that…” I saw the gap, and I took it. I asked him who that was, and he assumed I hadn’t heard him over the music. “ŽIŽEK” he shouted. “SLAVOJ ŽIŽEK.” I told him I’d never heard of such a person, and his eyes widened. His attempts to explain were met with the same denials. Celebrity philosopher? Nope. Lacan? Nope. Hegel? Nope. I stopped short of saying I had never heard of Karl Marx, but only just. This guy couldn’t believe it. How could I have never heard of Žižek?
He moved through the stages that everyone moves through when they have fallen prey to the Žižek Maneuver: disbelief, defiance, and finally, dizzy irritation. Maybe even a bit of actual anger. I could see that he thought I might be messing with him, but he could not prove it. He gave up on me shortly afterwards, and ignored me for the rest of the night. Later I saw him talking to his friends and pointing at me. I imagined what he was saying: “That girl over there, she doesn’t even know who Žižek is. ŽIŽEK.” I smiled at him and waved.
This is the Žižek game, and I am going to teach you how to play it. Think of these instructions as the opposite of the ones offered in “How to Be Polite,” Paul Ford’s beautiful essay about graciousness and its effects on other people. Ford’s advice is meant to be lived by. My advice is intended only for special occasions. It is for when you have an itch to scratch, and that itch is called, “a puerile desire to get on other people’s nerves.” All you do is stonily deny any knowledge of a person or cultural touchstone that you should, by virtue of your other cultural reference points, be aware of. These will of course be different for everyone, but my favorites include:
Žižek, John Updike, MORRISSEY (only for experts), Radiohead, Twin Peaks, David Lynch in general, Banksy (only for streetfighters), Withnail and I, Bauhaus (movement), Bauhaus (band), Afrika Burn, the expression “garbage person,” A Clockwork Orange, Steampunk (this one is really good), Jack Kerouac, “Gilmore Girls,” Woody Allen, the expression “grammar nerd,” the expression “grammar Nazi,” cocktails, bongs, magical realism, millennials, Cards Against Humanity, trance parties, bunting, many comedians, William Gibson, burlesque, the Beats, The God Delusion, sloths, anarchism, Joy Division, CrossFit, “The Mighty Boosh,” and Fight Club.
Find someone who is crazy about Morrissey, and pretend you have no idea who that is. It drives people nuts. I don’t know why, but it does. Just kidding, I know exactly why, because I myself have been on the receiving end of the Žižek Maneuver. This girl I had a bit of a crush on told me she had never watched “Twin Peaks,” and it damn near killed me. The reason I had a crush on her in the first place is because we liked so many of the same books, and movies, and music. How could she have never watched “Twin Peaks?” Was she messing with me? How? It did not for a second occur to me that she just hadn’t got round to it. My immediate response was to believe that she had deliberately not watched it in order to get on my nerves. When she told me later that of course she had watched “Twin Peaks,” my eye started twitching.
This is the beating heart of the Žižek Game: the disbelief that something you care about has failed to register on the consciousness of another. The agony of suspecting that someone has looked at Slavoj Žižek’s Wikipedia page and thought “I do not need to know about this man.”
The game has a few rules. They are there for your safety, as well as that of your opponent.
1. This game can only be played with people who don’t know you very well. Otherwise you will be out there lying to some bros about how you don’t know what Fight Club is, and your brother will just lean over and say “Bullshit. I’ve watched it with you twice.” Game over.
2. Choose your opponent carefully. It has to be someone who is cut from the same cloth, because they need to be stunned by your apparent ignorance. I live in Cape Town, which feels like one of the most cliquey cities in the world, so it’s easy for me to find people to play with. It might be harder where you are.
3. Choose your subject carefully, too. The game works best when you choose something that is normally the prompt for a great deal of intellectual posturing, of talking in a loud, bored voice.
4. Your success in this game depends on your ability to cope with people thinking you are dumb. This is so important. Adolescent conditioning—I grew up in a city with a strong surf/skate subculture of people who like to get extremely high—means that I am not only comfortable with people thinking I am dumb, I actually lean into it. I pretend I’ve never heard of Roman Polanski all the time. I do not falter, and neither must you. Your opponent must never have the satisfaction of looking down on you. When they begin to scoff and roll their eyes, because how could you have never heard of the Weimar Republic, you must simply smile and shrug your shoulders. If you look abashed, your opponent has won.
5. Please note: do not confuse this game with the phenomenon known as “performative dislike of something that other people love.” Saying that you hate the Beatles is not at all the same thing as saying that you have never heard of the Beatles.
6. Most importantly: Don’t do this to anyone who will be hurt by it, as opposed to merely irritated. If a nerd is holding forth enthusiastically on his chosen topic, it’s unkind to say that you don’t know what he’s talking about. He will be crushed. Similarly, if someone is very excited about something, it’s best just to go along with it. When I was about eleven, my dad got a new job and, with it, a company car. This was a big deal. My family had a long history of owning extremely shitty and/or impractical cars, so any departure from this tradition was cause for celebration. (That my dad’s new car was a Volvo station wagon should give some idea of how low the bar was.) I told this girl at my school about it, the day after the car arrived at our house. She was the first person I saw, and I just burst out with it: “My dad got a Volvo.” Don’t laugh — I was only eleven, and his previous car had been 1983 Renault sedan whose front doors didn’t close properly, so it let in a lot of rain. The interior was often damp and muggy as a result, like a greenhouse, and sometimes there were little mushrooms growing on the floor of the passenger side. The Volvo, with its Swedish engineering, and its doors that closed every time, was thrilling to me. The girl (she was very popular) looked at me with narrowed eyes and said “I don’t know what a Volvo even is.” Whether or not she was telling the truth is irrelevant. Maybe she really didn’t know what a Volvo is, or maybe she just wanted me to be quiet, but I remember a feeling of deflation far beyond what was reasonable. What was I supposed to say? “A Volvo is a kind of car?”
As I said, this really is only for special occasions, but up there are the rules for when you need them. And you will, one day, need them. You’ll be out, and someone will start to talk about Žižek. This is a bar, you will think, as you begin to panic about what the future holds. Now you know what to do. Go forth and conquer.
Your future is not defined by those who left, you shouldn’t have to wait for anyone or plan your future around someone who left in hopes they could come back.
Your future is not tied to the ones who don’t care about having you in their future, it’s not tied to anyone who leaves and expects to come back and find you.
Your future is not tied to the ones who couldn’t love you or the ones who didn’t believe in you, it’s not tied to the ones who told you that you can’t do certain things or follow your dreams, it’s not tied to the people who wanted you to settle for a life you didn’t enjoy.
Your future is not tied to the ones who fooled you, the ones who made promises they couldn’t keep, the ones who kicked you when you were down, the ones who pretended to be your friends because they needed something from you. Your future is not tied to anyone who betrayed you or anyone who took your love and kindness for granted.
You don’t have anything to prove to these people, you don’t have to work so hard to prove them wrong and you don’t have to consider them anymore when making a decision. Their opinions don’t matter, their criticism will no longer be heard and what they think of you shouldn’t bother you because they’ll never see you for who you are and they’ll never see you as someone capable of doing great things because they’re only interested in seeing themselves, they’re too busy focusing on their own greatness to realize yours.
Your future is not tied to anyone who doesn’t think you’re great or someone who is not afraid of losing you. Your future is not tied to people who belittle you or make you feel small, it’s not tied to people who forget you. Your future is not tied to people who make you feel like you’re not good enough.
Because the people in your life make all the difference; in your confidence, in your energy, in your determination, in your willpower, in your self-love and in how you see the world and the future. So don’t pick people who make you fear the future or attract the same toxic patterns of the past, don’t pick people who are waiting for the first sign of trouble to leave, don’t pick people who find excuses to leave instead of reasons to stay.
Don’t pick people who won’t make your future brighter, only pick those who are not afraid of the dark and know how to find the light. Pick the ones you can count on because you will need the right kind of people around you when you’re down. Pick the ones who love you enough to stay no matter how difficult you are and how diffcult your journey will be. Pick the brave ones, the ones who are only scared of losing you.