DIARY #9


How could I see
When you were the only one for me
Every night
I go into my bed so lonely


We are desperately seeking connection. If we’re not happy, I want people to connect through their pain, not their fake smiles. If we can admit that we are all hurting, then we can collectively learn to overcome our sadness and our fears as a family.

We must have the courage to let go of the superficial drama, even just momentarily, so that we have the open ears and eyes to truly discover ourselves.


If I ask you why you’re unhappy, you might say: “I hate school. My girlfriend cheated on me. I lost my job. I have cancer. I’m depressed because nothing is going my way.” Understandable. These are all difficult obstacles. We’re conditioned to feel upset. It’s a signal that we aren’t getting what we want. But what do you want? According to your answer, you want to enjoy school, you want a loyal girlfriend, you want a steady job and you want to be healthy. But why? So you can be happy! Don’t you see what’s happening here? You’ve created conditions for your happiness, conditions that are out of your control. We can make efforts to maintain relationships, keep jobs and stay healthy, but it’s never a guarantee, in fact, you will inevitably get sick. There are only two things you can control: your expectations and your attitude.


Take all the quarters from my drawer. Hang my pride up on your door. I’ve grown tired of being ignored. I’m not painting any fence for someone else. I’m not climbing to get stuck up on your shelf.


I’m my worst enemy it Is not my life, but inside of me. Always on a roller coaster, not much consistency. I’m nothing if I’m not up or down. I’m nothing if just ‘me.’ Sometimes I have very little energy. Wanting to stay in bed. Wishing to be enthusiastic, Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead. Wanting to be excited. Wanting to care for more, but when nothing makes sense. It’s hard to focus on the poor. Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking. It’s hard to keep in touch with what is happening around me and not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me and that I can’t do anything right. This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life. It didn’t just start last night. Living seems like a roll of the dice sometimes.


I can calculate the motions of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people


Are we wrong? Are we right? We jump first and then decide. It’s hard to explain it, heavy hearts weigh us down. When the waters getting deep, do we swim or do we sink?

Cause there’s still a long, long way to go. We’re in over our heads. We’re holding our breath. Will we ever get to the other side before theres nothing left? Yeah, our bodies are weak. We’re tired and we’re hurting. Will we ever get to the other side? Dont know but I swear I’ll die trying…


I feel like I’m sinking,
Or is the ground rising?
Higher and higher,
I fall deeper below.

I feel like I’m losing,
Or is everyone winning?

Feelings are thoughts that come alive.
And thoughts are feelings we try to deny,
But in the end it’s just a lie.
No where left for us to hide.

Maybe it is not my race


“The culture industry perpetually cheats its consumers of what it perpetually promises. The promissory note which, with its plots and staging, it draws on pleasure is endlessly prolonged; the promise, which is actually all the spectacle consists of, is illusory: all it actually confirms is that the real point will never be reached, that the diner must be satisfied with the menu.”


Ask around about her. She don’t get emotional. Kill off all her feeling s. That’s why she ain’t approachable. She knows her pussy got a fanbase. A couple niggas with a suit case. Suit and tie niggas who play role play. When it comes to money she play no games..


 

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